Don’t Hang On To Your Ego

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Have you been through event which you just cannot move past? Do these thoughts constantly go round and round in your head? You feel like you are in a never ending vortex and the toxicity is sickening. It is generating more pain and suffering for you rather than the other person.

For the past few months, I have found myself just circling and moving back and forth. It’s quite simply exhausting and stressful. I am still processing some relationships, which came to an abrupt end and one where I have no clue what the current status is. Nonetheless, I have been dwelling and constantly drained! Someone the other day said to me, ‘just get over it, she clearly doesn’t want to know you’. Ok, I get it, but I feel like something keeps holding me back.

I have been holding onto past memories with these people, knowing that we do not share these memories anymore. We desperately want to resurrect the past and enjoy the times we had. I guess I fear that if I let go, I may not experience these times again, but this is not true. Holding onto memories will only be a reminder that we need to let go. We should not hold ourselves back from welcoming new partnerships either. A part of me was also wishing that in the future we may reconcile. But to be honest, there is no point clinging onto the future either. Since, our happiness does not lie with the people in question. We create our own happiness.

Our ego can be our worst enemy, since it constantly reminds us of how it wants to feel appreciated and loved. For the ego to be happy, it feels better to hang onto any situation, which is not good for us. What the ego loves the most is to feel better than anyone else. But we are all equal on an even playing field. There is no such thing as superiority and inferiority. This is just a complex created by our loveable friend; our ego.

In this case, it’s not the person in mind you cannot let go of, but the ego making things very difficult to move forward. Once you accept that this is the case, it becomes easier for you to see the situation more clearly and objectively. You can manage and control the ego and it’s feelings. Avoiding the past does not help you move on. It instead makes you desire for things to stay the same. Acceptance will bring you peace and help you to view memories with positivity rather than sadness.

With regard to the future, the person may not be in it, but that is ok. You can still be happy and open to new adventures. When we cling onto the future, does it mean you would have been happy on that path? Everything happens for a reason. All the people we meet are there to teach us a thing or two about ourselves.

Dealing with the ego, whenever something does not work out, will make us feel bad about it so we blame ourselves incessantly. Now we have to control it to not allow it to get the better of us. The ego wants us to pick faults in others and envy them too. It is ok to accept when you have been wrong and to apologise. This shows that you have a moral compass. I have learnt that I am not perfect and I am certainly not always right. Taking responsibility for my mistakes has helped me. I am working working on the above and getting better. It is worth setting your mind on becoming content to quiet down the chattering of the ego.

There are ways in which you can move past. Release the negative feeling, which is attached to the person. This negativity is only affecting you and not the other person. In order to do this, you must connect with your subconscious and not your conscious brain. Last night, I wrote a number of letters explaining how I felt to each and every one of those people and read them back to myself then tore the letters up. I let go and received peace. This was therapeutic. I highly recommend it.

Get rid of objects, which remind you of the people causing you pain and free up space in your life for new people. Remember that you are doing this to help yourself move on. In order to avoid any further negative feelings, write down what you are looking for in your life and use this as a guide for new relationships. Focus on introducing good and new energy into your life. Write down what makes you happy and alive!

 

By Caroline Peart

©All Rights Reserved

 

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Don’t Suffer In Silence

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Each day goes by and I wonder when is this feeling of darkness going to end?!
Regularly, we go through our life with highs and lows like a rollercoaster. You wake up and the ride begins gradually moving up and descending down again. Rollercoasters have this thrill factor about them, which can be exhilarating but also scary. This can also be compared to how we feel on a daily basis.

We seem to struggle to maintain this positive feeling and have a tendency to let any little hiccup get in the way of how we feel. This also applies to the way we deal with our problems. For many years, I found it quite difficult to face up to my issues, which ultimately followed me everywhere I went. I made the choice to remain in darkness and not see the light.

As you can imagine in my rollercoaster analogy, the moment you descend lower, it can be an incredibly painful time and quite dark. When we become too consumed in our issues then we will start to push away everyone around us. Since we instantly think that no one will understand us. This causes us to think that no one can ever help us. Pushing away the ones who care is really not the best solution. The pain we create in our wake will become sharper and damaging to the ones around us and ourselves.

During part of 2014 and most of 2015 and 2016, I was involved in a relationship which had tremendous highs and lows. Friends and family were very concerned about my wellbeing, but I could not see clearly as I was as congested as a foghorn. I snapped at anyone who told me what I did not want to hear. Yes, I was selfish and self absorbed. I was unable to put myself in the shoes of others and creating pain to those surrounding me. But this was the lost and confused soul desperately trying to seek answers. We cannot really blame others or even ourselves for feeling this way. The only thing we can do is go through the motions.

When others come to us for advice, we should not push and only respect what they have to say. If we push those close to us then when they are ready, we may not hear from them again. At present, I am processing events which took place between myself and a “close” friend. We used to be quite close and then all of a sudden she ghosted me in May. At first, I didn’t quite understand the situation and only a few weeks into May I started to question what I may have potentially done. I attempted to make contact and sent her a nice email but I never received a reply. Then two nights ago, I bumped into her and it was quite painful. I received an answer, but whether it was the truth or not does not matter anymore. I received some kind of closure so I can move on.

I was able to draw in an interesting conclusion. The conversation her and I had mirrored what I had been going through previously. I thought that no one could help me and she claims this is the case for her too. But there is a support system for everyone. For many of us, we automatically assume that a support system can only be found in a family structure. This is not the case at all. We can choose our support system. This can be our friends, support groups, mentors, healers, therapists or even the church. There are people we can all resonate with and provide guidance so you are not alone.

There is no reason for anyone to suffer in silence. Amongst the 7 billion of people in this world, there must be similar minded individuals who are going through or have experienced the issues you are being faced with. We must not assume that everyone around us has not gone through pain. We all have or will at many different times in our lives assume this. Healing ourselves from these wounds will make us more mindful about what is yet to come. The last thing one can do is isolate themselves from the world and drown in their ocean of issues.

A support network is not only conducive when you are going through challenging times but also when you are in good spirits. We can all motivate and inspire each other to achieve our goals. It is comforting to know that their are people who have your best interests at heart. In light of recent events, I have felt inspired and compelled to create a support group in order to reach out to ones who are really in need. I would like to set an example to others that you are never alone! I have touched upon gratitude in my previous pieces as this is incredibly important. To place yourself outside of your problems for just a minute and appreciate the fact you are still breathing and can enjoy life is an amazing feeling!

One more tip before I round off. Before you start your day and go to sleep, simply remind yourself that there will always be somebody who will be looking out for you!
This applies to every single person out there.

 

By Caroline Peart

©All Rights Reserved

 

 

Seeing Life Through A Distorted Lens

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There are 7 billion people in this world who view life through their own distorted lens. Little do we know what is going on inside their heads. We are conditioned to see life from our own subjective self. Being able to view day to day life and other’s lives is quite difficult, since this requires us to be objective in our thoughts.

We can create a prison-like scenario in our minds with our thoughts almost to the point of strangulation. It is like a snake toiling around and the more you think, the grip gets tighter. I can speak from experience that we can become so caught up in our thoughts and assume that we are the only ones who suffer.

The vast majority of these 7 billion people go through this daily and are unable to put themselves in the shoes of others. We were created to hunt and survive. There was no inkling to learn empathy. We are also very egocentric, which causes us to be very self centered in our thoughts. This makes it difficult for us to consider the feelings of others.

Instead of wallowing in your own self, think about what others may be going through. We all have issues, which we are conflicted about. But the most important thing is how we process these thoughts. By remaining in this ‘me, myself and I’ mode, you will remain in a stasis. You will also prevent yourself from growing and gaining the necessary experience to ground yourself in life.

This is also a sign of not appreciating what you have in your own life. Once you start to show gratitude then you may eventually start seeing things differently. During our life, we were not taught how to understand others and their feelings. We have gone through life idealising people rather than getting to know people for who they really are.

In some of my relationships and friendships, I have realized over time that I never got to know these people and what they are really like. At the same time, I was misunderstood. Ever wondered why friendships, relationships and families fall apart? The simple answer is because there is no understanding.

Back to the subject of empathy, equipping yourself with such a characteristic can benefit you considerably throughout your life. You will become better at reading signs and understanding others around you. We are less likely to take life for granted when we can put ourselves in the shoes of others.

There is a high trend of people who choose to escape their issues, but believe me this is not the answer. You have to approach your issues head on. Our issues can follow us until we are forced to work on them. Do not allow your issues to grow into something bigger than they really are. Put the snake to sleep!

This may cross your mind, but how could I empathize with someone who put themselves in this position? We have all, unwittingly, at some point in our life ended up in a situation, which could have been avoided. But this way of thinking is regressive. More importantly, if you were going through the motions of what the person in question is going through, then you would think, how can I move forward? I feel that we are being guided metaphysically. Even in scenarios, which could have been prevented in hindsight, we were meant to go through them to be taught valuable life lessons. If I were you, I would leave the ego at the door and show some understanding.

Here’s a little tip. The next time someone comes to you with their issues, take a step back and listen. Also, step outside of your thoughts for a minute and do not project your situation on them. Try to understand them and show compassion and kindness. You will be surprised how far this will go. Be mindful when you give them your opinion. Only until you know someone well enough can you give direct and honest advice. To this very day, I am learning the hard way.

Learning more about the surroundings of others will help you to offer the appropriate support. These points are the key in helping you to better understand the needs of others you welcome into your life.

 

By Caroline Peart

©All Rights Reserved

 

There’s No Excuse For Abuse

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Ever felt completely powerless in a situation where you could not protect yourself?
I know this feeling since I have been in this familiar place before. This is like being in a prison where you cannot break free. You are holding onto the bars with all this force, desperately calling out for help, but no one can can hear you. This, I am afraid, is what it is like to be involved in a scenario with an abusive person whether it’s physical or emotional.

Abuse can occur in any aspect of your life. For many of us, it is being able to shield ourselves from these toxic scenarios. Little do we know whether a person can be abusive or not. Yes, red flags can be evidence, but this may not be enough for us to walk away for good. We only really find out when we get particularly close with the people in question. The moment they become comfortable, the mask comes off and the true colors remain.

When we first exchange words with someone who has the potential to be abusive, we are unable to recognize or interpret the signs. I and many others have not been educated in this. I am afraid that schools today do not teach us how to deal with toxic situations and identify who has good intentions or not amongst a plethora of things. This causes us to crash and burn instead. We learn the hard way through our mistakes.

Abuse does not begin during the first encounter. It can develop half way through and once the victim is completely immersed. The abuser scouts its victims and sticks their claws in when ready. Beware of the comments and especially the frequency. If an unkind comment is thrown your way, we respond accordingly and brush away. However, if this becomes continuous then this is not acceptable. No human being should have to tolerate this behavior ever.

What is not discussed often is the perspective of the abuser. How do they perceive the situation? We are not born to be abusers and neither is the abuser. Any unresolved incidents involving certain feelings can be carried through life. These feelings can be mirrored into their relationships with others. These feelings include a classic feeling of disappointment where the abuser has experienced disappointment in their own life. Shall the other person do something which doesn’t agree with them, this will trigger off these thoughts. This will instantly give them a so called right to hold this action against the other person. Abusers like to feel entitled, but no one is entitled; we all have to earn and work hard to earn respect. This feeling of entitlement can come from being given what they always wanted during their childhood. Low self esteem is very much linked to being in control and hurting others to make themselves feel better. This is short lived. The victim will catch on quickly and leave. Deadly high levels of jealously, which they describe as caring, can suffocate the victim and make them feel boxed in. I remember whoever I befriended caused issues, since when is it anyone’s choice about who I spend my time with? Yet this raises hairs for abusers, since this makes them feel insecure. As discussed, here are some of the many traits which cause people to be abusers.

Since they lack empathy, they have an inability to put themselves in the shoes of others so they are unable to see life objectively. Whenever they abuse, they will never stop to see things from your perspective. So please do not persuade them to adopt this approach as it will never happen. An abusive person can change, but only if they want too. This should not your responsibility. You could spend a very long time trying to achieve an outcome which may never happen.

What I have learnt is that whenever you are involved in a situation such as this, do not allow yourself to suffer in silence. Surround yourself with people who can help you. There are people who can support and guide you to leave this situation and move onto better things. Do not let the person who abuses you reduce you until you cannot do anything; especially before he or she gets physical. A few years ago, my ex and I were arguing in the car and he accused me of not caring about him and laid a hand on me. It was absolutely horrifying! He quickly said, ‘sorry baby’ and then said ‘you make me like this’ etc. For a good while after, I could not stop picturing the incident and we ended our relationship shortly after. The signs were so obvious months earlier, but I thought if I could change myself it would work. How naive could I be! You should never have to change yourself for someone. This is the sign that the person you are involved with is really not suitable.

My advice to you all is not to hang in a situation which is dragging you down. Your wellbeing is what really matters at the end of the day. The earlier you cut ties, the less damaging it will be to your own mental self. We cannot remain in an illusion and not face up to reality. The truth is we only get one shot at life and this can flash quickly in front of us. Focus on yourself and welcome the good into your life and flush out the negative.

 

By Caroline Peart

©All Rights Reserved

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why It’s Good For The Soul To Be Happy In Your Own Skin

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At some point in our lives, we go through the motions of feeling unsure about ourselves. This causes us to doubt how we feel in our own skin. We then wish we could be like others. The reality is far from this.

For many years, I was stuck in a vicious cycle when I was battling with a low degree of self-worth, negative thinking and a real lack of self-love. I could not navigate myself around these issues, which made it difficult for me to look introspectively. If I were aware earlier about these issues, I would have made the necessary change. Our society pressurises us to be a certain way and this ultimately makes us feel inadequate when we are unable to measure up. However, we have the power to step away from these outside influences. At the end of the day, each one of us perceives life in a different way. The majority of the time, we perceive life through a distorted lens.

We do not realise how much energy we spend and lose by measuring up our self-worth against that of others. The moment you become comfortable and happy in your skin, you will feel less of a need to compare. We are all unique in our individual skins. This makes us who we are. Just writing this makes me reflect on the time when I desperately tried to impress people. I did this almost to the point where I became exhausted. Social media sites are a curse to those who are not comfortable in their own skin, since they view life via what they see on these sites.

I did not realise that for most of my life, I had all of the tools inside me. It’s just that I never addressed them. Being happy with who you are in your own skin also correlates with getting to know yourself.

 

Look out for you

One of the very first things you must do is to look out for you, since you are living for you and no one else. Do not neglect yourself, because this will make it challenging for you to appreciate yourself. I have been there myself and it’s not a good feeling if you do not put your needs first. Your quest for being happy for yourself will remain a constant struggle.

 

Make friends with yourself

Whilst reading this, you might think, why would I want to befriend myself? Well this is a very good point to raise! The relationship one has with ourself sets the tone for all the others. We identify aspects of ourself, which we may not ever have known before. If I were to look back, I wouldn’t have wanted to be my friend. I was not happy and I projecting the worst of myself. However, now I feel very comfortable with myself so I would befriend myself. It’s all about good vibes now!

 

Focus on things which make you feel good

Do you enjoy reading or playing music? These are two activities out of many others. Little do we know that when we do things which make us happy, this reflects a lot about us. When we decide to do activities which we feel good about, this shows that we are doing what is good for us and not what others want. We have a tendency to say yes to taking part in activities which do not make us feel good, because we are afraid to say no. When we face this, it shows a reflection of how we are truly feeling. In some of my friendships, I went along with activities which I didn’t like because of the way I viewed myself.

 

Learn to appreciate yourself

We are all individual and each one of us has something unusual about ourselves. We should learn to love these characteristics about ourselves and embrace them rather than suppress them. This makes us who we are and will help you appreciate yourself. If someone tells you something which they do not like about you, this is a reflection of them since they do not appreciate themselves. Avoid seeking validation from others. Since this is very short lived and in the long run this is not good for you! I remember being told that I had this self deprecating trait and agonized over it. This made me rather sad so I tried to change in order to be accepted. Never do this. If they do not like it, just ignore them and continue on with your life.

 

Reduce the need to think too much about others’ thoughts of you

When I have focused too much of my energy on what others thought of me, I slowly came to the conclusion that not everyone will view you in the way you would like. To be honest, there is nothing you can do about this. This is a fact of life! These feelings of self-doubt stem from the perceptions which we hold of ourselves. In order to move forward, just be you as there is only one you!

 

To round off, uplift your soul rather than pump it down. Aim to be happy with you and enjoy yourself and what you can bring to this life. Preserve your energy and remember what is yet to come and not what has been!

 

By Caroline Peart

(c)All Rights Reserved

Why it’s better to be in control of your emotions

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At some point in our life we have been reckless with our emotions, often throwing caution to the wind. We are also less likely to address our feelings and actions, meaning we make the same mistakes again and again. Eventually, this can cause us to have a breakdown and be in a period of stasis since in such a situation we don’t know how to proceed further. I have had my share of misfortune and pain as a consequence of not always being mindful of my emotions. The interesting fact is, we become less immature once we understand why we behave in certain ways.

If we do not understand our emotions then they can get the better of us. Accept that it is ok to feel sad, but realise that you will come out of it as it is only an emotion and you have the choice to change this thought.

We also have a higher chance of getting too attached to others when we fail to accept ourselves. This causes us to seek acceptance in others. Also, a lack of confidence causes us to react strongly to the most trivial things.

It is important to address our mistakes so we can change and evolve. At the end of the day, we would like to build deep and meaningful relationships with people, but with a higher level of awareness, we will be able to better maintain them.

Focus on the following areas to help you understand your emotions better;

 

Stop running away or escaping from your thoughts

You will need to address them to prevent them from growing into a mountain from a molehill. If we learn how to manage them then we can avoid overreacting and mismanaging.

 

Identify the reasons behind your emotions. For example, what causes you to feel sad?

Find the trigger, which causes you to feel this type of emotion. Unresolved past events can prove to be reasons for us to respond in certain ways. I know for myself, I had not forgiven what had happened. So I would be easily triggered and end up in an emotional mess. The fact is that you cannot change what has happened but you can accept it.

In life, accept that events may not go the way you had hoped. This does not mean that you have failed. So please do not misunderstand.

 

Write down your emotions

It can be quite amazing how writing down your emotions can benefit oneself. Some of us are better at expressing our emotions by writing them down than verbally. Truth be told, this is me. When I express myself by writing down my emotions, I feel like I am releasing any built up tension. It is not wise to bottle up feelings and emotions. I highly recommend trying this and then reading them back to yourself to process all internal pain and trauma.

 

Take a step back and review

Instead of diving head first into a situation, try listening to the other person’s thoughts. Put yourself in their shoes. This can help you respond accordingly.

 

Surrounding yourself with positivity

People with negative energies can rub off onto you. In order to help you move forward, be around people with a positive attitude. This will be a good start to encourage you to begin thinking in a more uplifting way. Taking up an activity which you will derive pleasure and satisfaction from will help you to generate positivity.

 

These are some of the ways, which you can adopt to help you on your way to better controlling your emotions. The sooner you start, your life will become more enjoyable and grounded.

 

 

By Caroline Peart

(c)All Rights Reserved